you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
