im six kinds of drunk right now
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
