omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize