did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
