Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
