Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
