Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
