Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
