M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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