so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
