somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he shaved USA in his pubs
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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