i was born a porn star she said
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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