walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
