Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
