How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
