I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
