I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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