im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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