I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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