i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
