wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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