What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
