dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
