If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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