wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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