i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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