i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
