Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
