Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
