i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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