smell my finger.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
