Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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