I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize