I could make wine with my vomit
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
