btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I smell like Dick and happiness
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
