how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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