im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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