you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
