If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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