My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
