So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
