I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
