I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
