I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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