I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
