she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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