Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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