I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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