1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
