When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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