I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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