Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
