I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
