My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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