he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
