I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
