I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
