i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
