I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize