Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
