Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
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