You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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