I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
