A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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