My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
